I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
