Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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