my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
