You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
