I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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