No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
