Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i believe in u and ur pee
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