rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
