with your own penis?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
