I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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