i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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