I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
