Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I am spending my child support on dildos
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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