now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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