I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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