This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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