Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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