Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
