My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize