I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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