Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
