At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
