They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
smell my finger.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
