if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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