I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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