Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
