Kareoke will never be a sober sport
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
