My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize