I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
