im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
