to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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