areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
