come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
