Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
