We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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