the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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