Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize