like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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