Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
