Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
