how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
