hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
