I faked an abortion last night.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
