youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
