Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
