i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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