so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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