I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
