I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Houston, we have a squirter
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
