wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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