I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
