I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
