In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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