i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
