12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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