Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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