You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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