pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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