Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
