I faked an abortion last night.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
